Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Don't you hate it when you're bitching about bad phone signal in a club and suddenly you find yourself half naked in a women's prison?

I finally caught the full, non censored version of Lady Gaga’s epical ten minute long music video for ‘Telephone’ the other day. Now, I know music videos don’t generally make sense – like how Jedward manage portray themselves as credible singers in their Vanilla Ice collaboration, haha – but Lady Gaga has outdone herself in this one. Check it out, if you haven't ...

I have no idea how she would have pitched such an idea to her manager? And I can only imagine what she was on when she thought of it ... fuckin horse tranquilisers or something. It might have gone a little something like this ...

Manager: So, as your song is about you not being able to hear a phone call while out clubbing, it would make sense to shoot the video ... in a club.
Lady Gaga: No. I want to have it in a women’s prison.
M: Oh. Oh, so you’re taking a phone call from a visitor, and ... the inmates are playing loud music ...?
LG: No. I shall enter, being led by two dreadfully stereotypical butch lesbo guards, who will then strip me naked, as I’m sure happens in all female prisons, and I shall be wearing nothing but a see through g-string.
M: Does a g-string really need to be see-through? 
LG: I’ve always found g-strings to be quite prudish. This will make them just a bit naughtier.
LG: We should then show some realistic depictions of prison life – you know, some more horrifically ugly stereotypical butch lesbians pumpin iron while some mingin fat chicks bitch on each other wearing boob tubes and underwear. I will of course be wearing chains and sunglasses ... sunglasses made of still smouldering cigarettes, that is.
M: ... artistic.
LG: I will then engage in some recreational dancing, as I’m sure prisons provide their inmates with hobbies.
M: Like salsa?
LG: No. I will dance down the prison hall in a studded leather bikini.
M: Ah, a bit of sex appeal.
LG: No. It will not be in the slightest bit sexy as I will be snarling aggressively.

 ... Did I mention I'm going to have hideously unattractive eyebrows?

Then I want a scene of me expressing my tragic loneliness at being in prison by writhing around my cell wearing nothing but yellow police tape know, like an interpretive dance ...

LG: So at this point, Beyonce bails me out. I’ve written the script for our crucial reunion scene.

-Beyonce: 'You’ve been a bad girl. A very, very, bad, bad girl, Gaga'.
-(Gaga takes an aggressive bite of Beyonce’s sandwich)
-Gaga: 'Sure you wanna do this HoneyBee?'
-Beyonce : 'What do u mean am I sure?'
-Gaga: 'You know what they say, once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger'
-Beyonce: 'You know Gaga, trust is like a mirror. You can fix it is its broke ...'
-Gaga: '...But you can still see the crack in that mother fucker’s reflection.'

M: Oscar winning analogies, Gaga.
LG: I know. So me and Bee go to a diner, where Bee meets her homeboi, who asks, “Where you been, bitch?” Then, without waiting for an answer, he gets up, goes and hits some guy, and comes back again. No explanation for this is needed, because all black ghetto guys start random unnecessary fights. But anyway, this is enough time for my HoneyBee to poison his drink.
M: So is there a telephone reference in this at all?
LG: In the next scene, I shall be wearing a telephone on my head while dancing in the kitchen and making sandwiches. Then we poison everyone else in the bar for no apparent reason – including the dog – then we go dancing with a bizarre motley crew of people you definitely wouldn’t want to come across in a dark alley.
M: Ok, let’s talk costume here.
LG: Oh I have it all figured out; I shall be wearing a glaringly obviously pro American star spangled bikini, and HoneyBee will be kitted out like Wonder Woman. We will dance like spastics doing some strange Michael Jackson type moves, and I will continue to scowl. At this point, we’ll be singing about being too busy dancing to answer the phone, which for my HoneyBee, means dancing alone in her room. Then I’m going to randomly writhe in front of the car in a leopard print catsuit. Finally, we shall drive off in to the sunset.’
M: ...and the telephone is where in all this?
LG: ...What telephone?

It’s a bit of a mish mash of things – the animated ‘SMACK!” and ‘VROOM!” graphics are definitely old skool batman references. Then there’s the dance she does in the prison corridor – it’s like an ugly, unsexy version of Madonna in her Vogue video. The diner setting is definitely a nod to Pulp Fiction, while the Michael Jackson moves are a wink at Thriller (albeit a dodgy, unsexy wink – more like getting a tiny fly in your eye and freaking out). You could probably get a bitta Kill Bill in there too.

As bizzarely entertaining as it is (it’s a bit like a train wreck – if the train were full of gyrating possible lesbian prisoners that is), it makes no sense in relation to the lyrics, but there you go; when has Lady Gaga ever made sense? As for those badass cigarette glasses though – Kanye eat your heart out.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Before I leave brush my teeth with a bottle of ... tequila

My rents set the alarm again last night – I keep asking them not too when I’m out, who remembers a six digit combination when they can’t even remember to open the kitchen door before attempting to walk through it? Luckily I have been in this situation before, and now store the code in my phone, under the award winning disguise, ‘ H.O. Usecode’. You will find Mr. Usecode several names after the overwhelmingly inventive ... ‘Bank Pin’.
My genious-ness astounds me.

So I make it upstairs, looking forward to a refreshing four hours sleep (damn clock change!!) totally forgetting about the half empty bottle of tequila, the empty naggin of morgans, the empty shoulder of vodka, and the several empty bottles of beer in my room (not all mine, I would like to point out).


I then get to sleep, wake up the next morning expecting some sort of magical cleaning elves to have come out during the night (which in retrospect would actually have been very creepy?) and obviously the crap is still all there – fresh hangover and whiff of rum and tequila.

Double vom.

I then had recurring flashbacks that involved me flat on my back on the floor of a bus going flying down the aisle... I love happy memories of the night before like that. I also love the bruises that come with them, just to remind you of said happy memory. And unless people were actually there are know what you’re referring to, the phrase, “Jesus my ass is killing me!” generally makes people wonder what exactly you were getting up to ...

Work wasn’t too bad; no manager + awesome supervisor = several cups of tea and a lazy ass day spent trying on our clothes and taking pictures and playing with giant inflatable bananas and an army of blow up monkeys. Love my job.

Well, until a strung out crack head pikey came into the shop, stood around looking painfully obviously dodgy, suddenly grabbed an armload of stuff and pegged it. Classy. I bet he’s well chuffed with himself, considering what he grabbed was a rake load of extra large women’s jeans. Congrats, mate.

I wasn’t really going anywhere with this ... I’m too tired to come up with actual funny stuff.

So I will conclude by expressing how excited I am that Heid from the Hills has decided to become an actress and star in her own movie, written by herself. She plays a lifeguard called Summer who single handedly saves a town from a hungry shark. I know – blonde version of Jaws, right?

Not quite. Martin Brody killed the shark using his skill and intelligence and several explosives. Heidi plans on killing this one with her boobs.

I kid you not. I don’t know if this means she smothers the shark or detaches one of them and chucks it at its head?

Aaaand ...’s in 3-D.

It'll be like they're coming right at you!!! 


Thursday, March 25, 2010

Won't someone PLEASE think of the children?

So on my never ending quest to find things to distract me from my college work, I ended up reading a bunch of my Nana's trashy gossip magazines (yes I'm aware of the irony, considering an earlier post, but I was desperate - its justified). Most of it was a pile of poo, and the rest was all about Jordan and Peter Andre. There was the "Poor Pete" devastated by Jordan's marriage to Alex Reid story, immediately followed by the "We're so happy to be married!" story as told by Jordan and Alex, then Pete's weekly column, then Alex's weekly column! Seriously, that's just throwing Jordan's fake hair extensions on the fire as fuel.

One of the stories mentioned that Peter Andre took his kids to one of his shows where he was gyrating with sexy half naked women, causing Jordan to freak out on the basis that this is inappropriate for two toddlers to be watching.

Yeah, cos having pictures of your giant inflatable boobs a mere google away isn’t far more traumatising for a child.

"Mommy ...??"

Not to mention that at four and two years of age, they were probably more preoccupied with their toes or something.

And also, this coming from the woman who wants to launch a make-up range for kids?? Considering she released pictures of her two year old daughter with straightened hair and wearing fake lashes a few weeks ago, perhaps she’s being just smidge hypocritical. She went on to say, “When Princess is 18 and goes to be a Page 3 girl, I’ll encourage her. I’ll go, ‘Yeah, get them out for the lads!”

Well then, surely watching strippers is good training for her.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

It's a hard knock life.

I would love to be inside Kristen Stewart’s head for a day. Just to understand what a bad place the world really is that apparently only she can see, based on the permanent scowl she has.

I know that immense wealth and fame can be of great inconvenience to a person, but I’m just not feeling the ‘my life is so hard, I’m just so different and no one gets it so I’m going to express it by looking like I haven’t showered in three weeks’ teen angst-y persona.

(note that hair ... misunderstood-teen-ville doesn't sell shampoo?)

In this video, while wearing a coat that would not look out place on a drunk living under a bridge, if you watch to the end you will see her proceed to pick something out of R-Patz’s teeth, and wipe it on his coat.

Let me repeat that, for maximum impact.

She picked something out of his teeth and wiped it on his coat.

...Her lack of social skills actually baffle me sometimes. She even once said of her vast fanbase, ‘You get a slew of all these bullshit questions’.
Well ... I’m sure the tweeny boppers who idolise you will appreciate that.

She has graced countless talk shows, and each has been pretty much the same as the first. She pulls her hair, umms a bit, chews her lip, ehhs some more, tugs at her hair again, then says something like ... ‘yeah – it – well there was – see there’s this – umm, yeah’.

I know this fame thing is hard to come to terms with love, like ask any actor and they’ll tell you that when they got into acting no one warned them that someone, somewhere, might actually – shock, horror – recognise them, but come on, show some emotion!

I do feel I’m being cruel slagging someone just because they’re socially retarded and irritatingly awkward – its not their fault their mother probably smoked though her pregnancy. But I wouldn’t choose a career path full of lovely A-list spotlightness if I wanted to lead a normal life. Clearly fame and fortune were thrust upon her as unjustly as starvation is forced upon poor African orphans.

And as for her acting skills in Twilight ...

Here are some things I think resemble Kristen Stewart...

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Facebook to my life - NO

Facebook in the hands of adults is a dangerous weapon. Two of my Uncles added me recently; after frantically deleting photos of myself hanging off a bar somewhere in downtown Aiya Napa, I accepted. Then my mother added me. So I deleted a couple more photos where I’m frolicking around in my underwear at night on a beach somewhere in Croatia.
Then my grandmother added me.

Ah now, lads.
How do I get out of this one??

Photos are bad enough but you can’t control comments on your page, and the next time Granny sits down with her cup of tea to check on her little angel expecting an update along the lines of, “Kar just got an A on that essay and is off to write the next one, three weeks early!”, what she’s going to find instead is a comment from Friend saying something like, “u make it home last night?! Cudnt find u after that tenth tequila lolz! and i hav ur shoes in case u dnt remember throwin them in the air double lolz!!! Later biatch, dnt do nythin i wudnt do! lol lol lol! xxxx!!”

So this was when I discovered ... privacy control. As well as being able to set your profile to ‘Everyone can see’ or private, you can create lists to specifically block certain people from certain things. JACKPOT. So now I don’t have to reject granny’s friend request and break her fragile heart, nor do I have to delete those photos of a half naked me attempting to steal a boat somewhere off a tiny island last summer.

There’s just something not right about adults in charge being on Facebook. Brother told me recently that a couple of his teachers had added him ... in light of the recent kiddy fiddling priest scandals, I would question that. It’s like that Vodafone fella from the add who wants to, ‘dress every tot, toddler, tween and teen’ ...Seriously??

It’s not like they’re using it to ‘reconnect’ – come on, parents don’t have friends. And if they do, they use that auld thing, the tel-e-phone. For, like, actual conversations. If yer ma and da add you, it’s to keep tabs on you – fact. If your teachers add you, assuming it isn’t for questionable reasons, it’s to look ‘hip’. I suspect they imagine the next morning’s conversations going something along the lines of:

‘Hey Mr. Johnson, I see you added me on Facebook!’
‘That’s right, little Timmy, now we can be friends outside of school!’
‘Wow Mr. Johnson, you sure are cool!’
‘Oh totes ma goats, little Timmy, I deffo know how to have the lolz!’

When in fact, the conversation will be more like:

‘Hey Mr. Johnson, I see you added me on Facebook!’
‘That’s right, little Timmy, now we can be friends outside of school!’
‘Well it won’t be long before we’re not even friends in school, Mr. Johnson, I told my mam and she called the principal who called the police and you’re going to be arrested any second now for being a creepy weirdo kiddy fiddler.”

To sum up, if you ever find yourself in a situation where this is possible, you need to delete your parents from Facebook. And find a shrink to erase the nightmares that are sure to follow.

Monday, March 22, 2010

My life to Facebook - stop distracting me

There's been a bit of a thing on Facebook recently with people joining random groups with hilarious titles for no apparent reason and then never hearing from them again. I have fallen victim to this dangerous affliction myself, and decided to post some of the funniest ones. (the names that is, far too lazy to actually upload links)

-Going to McDonalds for a salad roll is like going to a brothel for a hug.
-The camel called ... he wants his toe back.
-I was blown away when I realised JLS spells gay backwards!
-I see that you liked your chin so much you decided to add another.
-Cooties still exist ... they're just called STD's now.
-Water into wine, eh? I just turned my student loan into vodka! Your move, Jesus.
-My potato brings all the Irish to the yard, and they're like, 'that famine was hard'.
-Running downstairs on Christmas morning and remembering you're Jewish.
-And then God created Saturn ... and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.

Not just a social networking site folks, ohh no, so much more.

'Cougar Town' - Monica would be shocked

A friend of mine raved recently about Courtney Cox's new show, 'Cougar Town', so I sought it out online and watched the first episode, and I have to say, it was deliciously good. Its a little broader than the trailers suggested; Jules (Cox) is not just a sex obsessed predator chasing younger men all the time, rather, the main focus is Jules's attempt at rejoining the dating world; the men to whom she is attracted - and vice versa - simply happen to be half her age. To be honest, I wasn't expecting much - another small American town where everyone is tanned and beautiful and they're all obsessed with the local High School football team. Plus, based on the sexual nature of the trailer it seemed to be another string of TV shows launched on the back of Sex and the City - Lipstick Jungle, anyone? I recant though - from the mastermind behind Scrubs, Bill Lawrence, it ain't half bad.

I personally hope this one takes off for Cox, as her last attempt at shedding the Monica persona failed ('Dirt', in which her character was the polar opposite of neat freak Monica, was pulled after two seasons), although perhaps this could be attributed to the ill timing of the writers strikes.

It got me to thinking about the rest of 'em - the Friends, that is. Every now and again while watching Cougar Town, I couldn't help but think, "Monica... what are you doing to that boy?!" I think its been very difficult to erase the association with their characters and establish themselves in the acting world as anything else. Courtney Cox, as evidenced here, seems to have fared best - along with Jennifer Anniston, perhaps, whose marriage - and then divorce - with Brad Pitt catapulted her into the coveted A list.

David Schwimmer wasn't doing too badly prior to Friends - it seems to be following the show's demise that he had difficulty securing other work. As far as character association goes, Schwimmer does seem to have been able to leave Ross behind, notably playing Captain Herbert Sobel in 'Band of Brothers' - definitely a world away from goofy Ross. Following voice roles in 'Madagascar', Schwimmer seems to have made a move to theatre, having starred on Broadway and in the West End. he has also lent a hand a directing, and 'Run Fatboy Run' was a quietly successful comedy, and he's also directed a few eps of 'Little Britain USA'. Surprisingly, Will Smith's part in 'Men In Black' was originally offered to Schwimmer - perhaps he should have taken it.

Matt LeBlanc seemed to understand the difficulties of shaking off a well established character, and jumped on the bandwagon for as long as he could drive it. Spin off series 'Joey' looked set to be a hit for all those mourning the death of Friends - it raked in 18 million viewers on its first night. However, as many spin offs do, it failed miserably, and was pulled mid season in 2006. I don't think I've seen Matt LeBlanc since then. I never liked how stupid Joey got towards the end - it was comedic idiocy for the sake of it. That episode where he couldn't learn French was just ridiculous, I still switch the channel when it comes on.

I think Matthew Perry has had the most trouble getting rid of Chandler. Many of his roles post Friends - and even one or two during - were Chandler-esque; full of wry, dry humour, in other words. He had a guest role in Scrubs, where he played the sarcastic Murray, and a largely over-shadowed by Zac Effron supporting role in '17 Again'; his character was pessimistic and rather sarcastic. Perry's character in 'The Whole Nine Yards' was, again, of the dry humour type, although the film did do quite well, and Perry was praised. Its sequel flopped. Perry has attempted serious roles, and done quite well, in my opinion; Joe Quincy in 'The West Wing', anyone? I think the problem is people will insist on giving him Chandler-like characters, because he did it so well for ten years. I believe he is capable of far more, and I'm looking forward to his new series, 'Mr. Sunshine' (if it ever comes out). I hope it does better than his last attempt - the pilot for 'The End of Steve' was never picked up.

I'd almost forgotten about Lisa Kudrow - doesn't say much for her, does it? Although I found Phoebe quite irritating towards the end of Friends; she seemed to have lost her carefree hippy spark and was just being odd for the sake of odd. She was doing quite well for herself in the comedy world prior to Friends; again, it seems to be after that she has had trouble. Her supporting role in 'P.S. I Love You' had its moments - when her ditzy character Denise's make up fell off a boat, for example. But for the most part, it was forgettable. Following this were bit parts in the largely overshadowed by Emma Roberts's 'Hotel For Dogs' and Disney's teen dream team's 'Bandslam', starring Vanessa Hudgens and a few other teen cutie pies. She did 'Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion' about ten years ago while filming Friends, and this did - and continues to do - quite well. I think Kudrow is capable of far more than un-challenging bit parts in other star's movies. I hope something better comes along for her.

Sure I might as well go through Jennifer's Anniston's film career while I'm here then, although I think she's more known as 'Unlucky in love Jen, ditched by Brad', than anything else. She's certainly had a slew of successful movies, almost all romcoms, but none of which were particularly challenging for her acting skills. Bruce Almighty, Marley and Me, Along Came Polly, The Break Up, Rumour Has It, He's Just Not That Into You ... some of them had their momentary laughs, but her characters in just about all of them are, in my opinion, indistinguishable from one to the next. Financially, Anniston is a success, and has certainly made a good name for herself. But in terms of Oscar winning performances ... no. But she has a good niche; I'd stick with it, if I were her.

So some Friends are certainly more successful than others, although not through lack of trying. I think circumstance plays a big role in this. Would Jennifer Anniston be half as successful had she never married Brad Pitt? Matthew Perry, for example, is a superior actor, in my opinion, yet he struggles. Well, I use the term 'struggles' lightly; lets not forget how much our Friends were earning come the last season. I doubt any of them will be signing on the dole in the foreseeable future.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Make music, not war

I have lived in a dirty pit of the utmost filth, where I literally threw the wrappers of the food I was eating onto the ground next to my dwelling, and no one so much as batted an eyelid. Not one single solitary bin within miles of land containing tens of thousands of people. You wouldn't make pigs live where I have lived. I didn't shower for three days, despite being pressed against thousands upon thousands of equally sweaty people, all of us caked in mus. And jaysus, I won't even begin to describe the toilets; let's just say didn't drink many liquids for the weekend. No, I was not in a third world country ravaged by war. No, I am not extremely poor. And no, I am certainly not recalling the concentration camps of Nazi Germany. I was in the sunny auld Emerald Isle

Welcome to Oxegen, folks.

Alright: this was Oxegen '06, and I'm pretty sure bins have been installed since then (you thought I was kidding - seriously, not a single bin in the whole damn place). Although I was back in '07, and there certainly wasn't a significant addition of bins.

Why am I recounting 'fond' Oxegen memories all of a sudden? Well, I'm currently attempting to scrounge up enough dosh to get an earlybird ticket for Electric Picnic. I'll definitely end up going, of that I'm sure, so it makes sense to buy them while they're still 200 euro as opposed to the eventual 240 euro. I've been picknicking the last two years and its been Amazing (yes, with a capital A), even just for the buzzzz.

The Oxegen line up was released a while ago, and I have to say, its a good 'un. I have been to Oxegen twice as well, and the differences between the two festivals are unreal. I'm most definitely a picnic person, although I will admit I often prefer the music at Oxegen. I believe this is a plus for the picnic though, that the atmosphere alone keeps me coming back.

So it was this that got me to thinking about the last time I was at Oxegen - the dreaded washout of '07 - and the definite final nail in my Oxegen coffin.

The rain during '07 was simply ridiculous; I felt like staring at the sky and asking, "are you actually havin' a laugh, like?" My tent literally floated away down a stream. We tried to pitch a friend's tent in pure mud; honestly, not a shred of soil left. Didn't work. Shocker.

Surprisingly, one of the hardest things for me personally to do at '06 was litter. As I said, I'm pretty sure bins have been introduced in the last couple of years (Brother was there last year) but in '06 there were none. The first time I purchased some noodles I honestly spent about fifteen minutes searching for a bin, ignoring everyone else around me flinging their waste on the ground without a care in the world. I was determined to find a bin; alarms bells went off in my head and my childhood and my mother came flashing back to me in some sort of bizzare high speed film that buzzed though my mind, telling me that littering was a crime and Santa wasn't going to give me any presents if I did it. Faced with not other option, I gingerly placed my empty noodle carton on the ground and wandered away despondently.

The last night of '06 was surreal. Anarchy reigned supreme, with intoxicated masses going on pilfering raids. Now, I'm hardly a saint - I made my way through several liters of spirits that weekend - but this was just crazy. Portaloos were toppled (yep, people still inside), guard towers pulled down, and tents set alight. Our wee section wasn't too bad, just some drunken 'Fields of Athenry' (to be expected) and a naked madman with a Puff Daddy style white fur coat (also to be expected), but the heart of the campsites genuinely looking like a bomb had hit. Long lost security then appeared and proceeded to march through the campsite at five AM (since when did five own an AM?) turfing everybody out. The tents weren't worth salvaging - half of them weren't even distinguishable as tents anymore.

So my vote's on Electric Picnic again this year. Now I'm not claiming that there's no drunken muppets (I'd be fairly hypocritical if I was), they just happen to be much more chilled out drunken muppets... ;-) There's loads of stuff to do in between the music; I know people who said they barely saw one band the whole weekend and still had an absolutely amazing time.

Hmm, that rather unintentionally turned into a bit of an anti-Oxegen rant... On the plus side, I don't think I've littered once since summer of 2006.

Friday, March 19, 2010


Flicking through my trusty iPod recently, I decided I listen to too much of the same stuff again and again; I have a habit of creating playlists of old favourites and just sticking it on repeat. So I went on a search for some new sounds, and here’s a bit of what I found ... (hey, that rhymes)

Two Door Cinema Club
Awesome name, awesome noise. These guys are really fun, with some good catchy songs. Dunno why they aren’t on the radio more often. And best part – they’re home-grown, hailing from Bangor! I predict big things. :-)

Little Comets are also pretty good, I think they were signed late last year. The video for this one is a great watch.

Wooden Shjips are great for background muzak. Some may take this as an insult but I personally think it’s great; start at the start and leave it be. If you’ve a long bus journey just throw them on, kick back, and enjoy. I believe you can catch ‘em in Wheelans on April 15th.

I am now off to contradict myself by making a new playlist which I will undoubtedly stick on repeat for the next few weeks.

Sex doesn't always sell...

If you've never stumbled across before, I urge you to check it out, very funny stuff. This one in particular both amused and quite disturbed me at the same time...

I fail to understand why anyone would think these would actually help sell products!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Fight for this love?

Oh the things one stumbles upon while procrastinating on Facebook...!/pages/We-gotta-file-file-file-file-file-for-divorce/10150119242580417?ref=ts

Read the lyrics... I wish I could come up with things like that!

Celebrity soup for the soul

I wandered into my local newsagents a few days ago with Friend to pick up the latest installment of my monthly Bible – Elle. As I leapt on it eagerly, skimming through pages before having even purchased, Friend clucked her tongue disparagingly and commented on the amount of fashion magazines – Elle, Vogue, Grazia, Cosmopolitan; I could go on. While unwillingly agreeing with her, I felt the need to defend my beloved obsession, and so I did what any other self respecting offended person would do; I sought a scapegoat. This was discovered in the form of celeb mags.

Now, I can’t judge, because I have to admit, when I’m bored and there’s a gossip magazine lying around – particularly in the canteen at work – I will read them. Other people’s lives are invariably so much more interesting. But it did startle me just a little as to how many of them there were; I counted over ten altogether, and the majority of them had several of the same stories. ‘Celebs Exposed!’ glared at me from the front of one cover, followed by, ‘Jennifer Aniston without the slap! Look at the bags, look at the wrinkles!’ I did pause for a moment to feel sorry for poor Jennifer Aniston, who in my opinion is a total babe for a woman in her forties, but then I figured she probably has better things to do with her time than read this junk. ‘The Story behind Angie’s big lips!’ yelled at me from another mag, practically begging me to read the ‘Four page Spread!’ So that would be a page per half a lip?

The ones I find particularly amusing are the ones that are evidently one hundred and ten percent true because of all the sources, who must know what they are talking about because they are clearly SUCH good friends of the celebrity in question. That’s right, ‘source close to Cheryl Cole’; I’m sure bezzie mate Chezza doesn’t mind at all that you’re telling the world about her and Ashley’s sex life (although to be honest, I reckon Cheryl’s secretly telling us herself anyway – ‘weak, limp lifeless’ anyone?)

I recall reading a while ago (in one of these magazines, actually – oh the irony) about a girl in her twenties running herself into thousands of pounds of debt so she could live the celebrity lifestyle. She wore only designer labels, dressed her six month old baby in thousand pound outfits (kid’s first word will probably be ‘Dior’), and splashed out on huge houses and holidays. How did she afford all this? Well ... she didn’t. She used multiple credit cards, bad cheques, and when the law finally caught up with her – several years later, I would like to point out – she was completely bankrupt. Her reasoning? “I wanted to live like Jordan, you know?” I know honey. I want big fake boobs too.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

In the Beginning...

...There was me, a twenty one year old media student who - to be quite honest with you - wishes she was out celebrating Padjo's rather than doing college work. Yes, I'm calling this college work. Better than Facebook.

Why have I forsaken ye ancient tradition of wearing Ireland jerseys, ridiculously oversized shamrock emblazoned hats, and drinking 'coke' in the streets? Ah sure you know yerself - I left it to the last minute. All 8,000 words of it.

I would have done a bitta work this afternoon but I was tied up with the other kind of work - the stuff that pays the rent (and restores blood to my alcohol system). Yeah, we were open on Paddy's Day. I was under the impression that this was ridiculous - who goes into town to shop on Paddy's Day?

...You'd be surprised. Our target for the day was ... ohhh lets say, 500 euro (I should mention that we NEVER meet target). Well, we almost doubled it.

Jammmmmmers, it was.

Fun? Not so much.

At least we didn't get the old homeless guy back to pee in our changing room.