Sunday, March 28, 2010

Before I leave brush my teeth with a bottle of ... tequila

My rents set the alarm again last night – I keep asking them not too when I’m out, who remembers a six digit combination when they can’t even remember to open the kitchen door before attempting to walk through it? Luckily I have been in this situation before, and now store the code in my phone, under the award winning disguise, ‘ H.O. Usecode’. You will find Mr. Usecode several names after the overwhelmingly inventive ... ‘Bank Pin’.
My genious-ness astounds me.

So I make it upstairs, looking forward to a refreshing four hours sleep (damn clock change!!) totally forgetting about the half empty bottle of tequila, the empty naggin of morgans, the empty shoulder of vodka, and the several empty bottles of beer in my room (not all mine, I would like to point out).


I then get to sleep, wake up the next morning expecting some sort of magical cleaning elves to have come out during the night (which in retrospect would actually have been very creepy?) and obviously the crap is still all there – fresh hangover and whiff of rum and tequila.

Double vom.

I then had recurring flashbacks that involved me flat on my back on the floor of a bus going flying down the aisle... I love happy memories of the night before like that. I also love the bruises that come with them, just to remind you of said happy memory. And unless people were actually there are know what you’re referring to, the phrase, “Jesus my ass is killing me!” generally makes people wonder what exactly you were getting up to ...

Work wasn’t too bad; no manager + awesome supervisor = several cups of tea and a lazy ass day spent trying on our clothes and taking pictures and playing with giant inflatable bananas and an army of blow up monkeys. Love my job.

Well, until a strung out crack head pikey came into the shop, stood around looking painfully obviously dodgy, suddenly grabbed an armload of stuff and pegged it. Classy. I bet he’s well chuffed with himself, considering what he grabbed was a rake load of extra large women’s jeans. Congrats, mate.

I wasn’t really going anywhere with this ... I’m too tired to come up with actual funny stuff.

So I will conclude by expressing how excited I am that Heid from the Hills has decided to become an actress and star in her own movie, written by herself. She plays a lifeguard called Summer who single handedly saves a town from a hungry shark. I know – blonde version of Jaws, right?

Not quite. Martin Brody killed the shark using his skill and intelligence and several explosives. Heidi plans on killing this one with her boobs.

I kid you not. I don’t know if this means she smothers the shark or detaches one of them and chucks it at its head?

Aaaand ...’s in 3-D.

It'll be like they're coming right at you!!! 



  1. 'who remembers a six digit combination when they can’t even remember to open the kitchen door'

    my mum always puts a chain lock on the door so i cant get in so the alarm goes off! then she has the ball to give out 2 me 4 wakin her! parents!

  2. I loved this. I can totally relate.