Sunday, May 16, 2010

How to Not be Famous

Some people choose not to be celebrities. Some people aim to be normal things – doctors, lawyers, farmers, go-go dancers etc. But there are those whose careers just naturally thrust them into the spotlight.

This is fine. Some people lap it up, acting every inch of celebrity perfection.

Others ... not so much. Here are several things, complete with examples, of what you should not do if you aim to keep your limelight a-glowing. This might not concern you – maybe you don’t want to have another of Jude Law’s babies, or sleep with Tiger Woods, or collaborate with Timberland. But it’s funny anyway, so read it.

Chris Brown
Yeah so the most obvious thing here is, clearly, don’t beat up your famous girlfriend. Like, duhh. But to make a statement complaining about the paparazzi hounding his every move? And then to go off in a huff and moan that “what happens between Rhianna and me should remain private, between us”? Oh gosh we’re so sorry that people wanted to know if Rhianna was, like, alive and stuff? How very intrusive of us. Point clearly made – domestic abuse should totally stay on the DL. Cos no one wants to know what style of knuckleduster works best for giving girls black eyes.

Mariah Carey
Don’t diva it up, biatch. They just don’t learn, do they – stop behaving like a five year old. It was recently claimed that Mariah Carey hires someone to walk in front of her, in case she trips. Maybe she’s too good to lift her eyelids and see where she’s going? She should probably get someone for that. Or, you know, being sober helps with that straight line business. When she was filming for a low budget film ‘Tennessee’, the director told her they couldn’t afford to fly her to the location on first class – omg, Mariah Carey on economy??? I wouldn’t put it past her to just buy an extra two seats so she could have the whole row to herself!

Oh wait... she did. No, wait ... she bought all the seats. In the whole plane.

She also says that her feet ‘repel flat shoes’, which is why she always wears heels, even at the gym. It must be some sort of condition, evidently her breasts repel clothing. She should probably see someone about that.


Kanye West
Clearly a bad idea to enrage a whole generation of teeny, screaming, wild eyed fans of Taylor Swift by interrupting the poor thing during an acceptance speech. Not to mention the straw chewin, rake stabbing hicks who worship her and her ‘country’ (ehh...really??) music. No one is quite sure what was going through Kanye’s head when he thought this was a smart move – I reckon his brain was oxygen starved from spending all that time underwater with his sparkly fish friends.

Tiger Woods, John Terry, Jesse James, Ashley Cole, and the rest of the keep-it-in-your-damn-pants brigade.
In fairness, they’re still celebrities – they’re just utterly hated celebrities. Nothing will plummet you to this status faster than cheating on your wife. Ashley Cole has it pretty bad, seeing as Cheryl is basically adored by all, even though she’s as boring as Westlife’s water safety ad since going from Chav-tastic to Chanel. Tiger Woods is just a spanner of the highest level though – a hundred and twenty affairs??? Did he honestly think that there was no chance at all that at least one of them would come to light? How did he even remember who he was supposed to be cheating with on what night and where? Something of that scale would almost require a full-time team to organise it all. I’d love to hear all his excuses, no doubt he accidentally re-hashed several of them more than once. I wonder if he ever got caught out?

-Mrs Woods: “what’s that large, purple splotch on your neck dear?”
-Tiger: “ehh.. mosquito bite.”
-Mrs Woods: “again? That’s the third one this week. We don’t even live in a mosquito infested area...?”
-Tiger: “ehh... business trip. To Africa.”
-Mrs. Woods: “again? Weren’t you there last month?”
-Tiger: “ehh... that was the north. I was in the South this time”.
-Mrs Woods: “again? Weren’t you in the South a few months ago?”
-Tiger: “ehh... that was South America. With the lads like.”
-Mrs Woods: “again? Havn’t you away with your friends four times this year?”
-Tiger: “ehh... that was just for the craic. This was for Bill’s stag do.”
-Mrs Woods: “again? Weren’t you at Bill’s stag do a year ago...? I sent a wedding gift!”
-Tiger: “ehh... they got divorced. This was his second stag do. To Mary”.
-Mrs Woods: “Mary was his first wife...?”
-Tiger: “ehh... this one’s called Mary too. That’s who rang here the other day looking for me ... she wanted to check about the stag do.”
-Mrs Woods: “was it not a Lucy who rang here?”
-Tiger: “Lucinda actually – I mean, no, that was last week, and she’s ... my golf ball cleaner.”
-Mrs Woods: “I thought she looked after your stick? Doesn’t Suzie look after your balls?”
-Tiger: “ehh... they both do. In fact, I have several people to take care of my stick and balls."

Not to mention his new Nike ad that shows him staring blankly at the camera while his dead father speaks in the background. Hmm, I've already exploited over a hundred women for sexual benefit ... what's next? Why, exploiting my deceased father for financial benefit of course!! duhhh. What do you mean people won't get that its an ad for shoes?

Here it is
And here is a fantastic spoof!

And last for now, Daniel Radcliffe
You probably shouldn’t ... get Harry Potter stoned. He might put his wand somewhere he shouldn’t and make something explode... ahem. A few months ago, Daniel did the utterly unspeakable – unlike any eighteen year old boy before him, he smoked hash. Not coke, or E, or like horse tranqs or something – one whole entire joint of weed.

Dear God in Heaven. Alert Dumbledore immediately!

I know I’m being hypocritical here in that I’m standing up for Harry Pothead, but I suppose you probably shouldn’t let yourself be photographed with a scribbled on moustache. It’s very misleading. People are going to think you’re grown up enough to grow a moustache.


  1. "maybe you don’t want to have another of Jude Law’s babies"

    hehe i wouldn't mind actually ;-)

    and id totally forgotten kanye nd his gay fish thing, amazing! hehe

  2. loved this too :)

    this is the same girl who left the comment on your SATC2 review just there... forgot to mention I'm gonna add you to my blogroll if it's ok with you?

    Cheers x

  3. @Herself
    Of course it's ok with me, it's more than welcome! Sorry its taken me a week to thank you for all your comments, I've been outta the country!

    :-) xx