Wednesday, July 21, 2010

"Hello there, total stranger. You seem quite nice ... how about I get your name forever branded on my skin?"

I was perusing Google quite recently in search of a decent tattoo studio in Dublin (Snakebite seems to be popular?) and, being bored, started flicking through  various crappy tattoo ‘inspiration’ websites. Most of these were all the same; butterflies, fairies, Celtic crosses and Chinese symbols and whatnot. But then I stumbled across a blog of tattoo failures ... which led me to celebrity obsessed tattoos. Not pictures of the tattoos that various celebrities have – no no no; normal, everyday people getting tattoos of celebrities. Now considering I have been toying with the idea of a very small Red Hot Chili Peppers asterix on the inside of my ankle, I can’t really pass judgement on certain levels of obsession ... but some of these were just unreal.

Firstly, there was the Judge Judy tattoo.

Really ... Judge Judy? Like ... really???
Ok, so she might be a very good judge ... but ... I mean really?! I just don’t know what else to say about this! Of all the people to idolise, I fail to understand why this woman would be your choice. Her show basically consists of people bickering about petty nonsense and her doing her best not to strangle them and tell them to get a grip. Those in the viewing court aren’t even real people genuinely interested in courtroom proceedings – they’re extras on the show. In fact, the defendants and plaintiffs get paid to be there aswell! Bottom line is, I just don’t get why you would want this woman’s face forever emblazoned on your skin. And if you were ever to show her, she’d probably tell you you’re being a dumbass.

Then there’s the Sweeny Todd tattoo.

Alright now, this one was slightly more understandable, given the level of some people’s dangerous obsession with Johnny Depp ... but the main point is just that – the obsession should be with Johnny Depp. Not a murderous eighteenth century barber with a tendency to slice people’s throats and serve them up as tasty pies. Sure I know every girl eventually falls for a bad boy, but this one might just be a little bit too psychotically deranged ‘bad’. It’s almost akin to having a portrait of Jack the Ripper on your arm, or ‘me nd Jack 4eva’.

Although Sweeny Todd sings. This makes it slightly more acceptable.

Now, I really don’t get this one. It’s just so odd and confusing ... why?

Yes friends, that is a tattoo of Maddox Jolie-Pitt, eldest of the Brangelina Rainbow Coalition Crew. And no ... no, that’s neither of his parents’ arms that it’s inked on. I don’t think I even need to state the obvious here, but I’m going to anyway ...

Ehh ... paedophilia?!

If that’s not a sign that a serious celeb sprog kidnapping is about to go down, I dunno what is. What makes it worse is that it’s a 42 year old man who has done this to himself. I wonder did he stop to think what Brange might make of this?

“Hello, middle aged man we have never in our lives met. It’s nice to see that you have a picture of our eight year old son on your arm. That’s not at all creepy, lots of normal people get tattoos of young children that they don't know. Perfectly acceptable; in fact, we take it as a compliment.”

This one made me cringe. Yep ... its Britney, bitch.

Bald Britney that is. I’m not going to even try and go up against the level of Britney fandom that exists in the world today; I wouldn't be in the least bit surprised if hundreds of people had her face tattooed on their arms/legs/foot/whatever. But at least choose a better picture! Apart from finding it slightly creepy that someone, somewhere, that I’ve probably never met, has a tattoo of my face, I would certainly not want it to be of one of my mental breakdown! At least choose a picture when she was happy and healthy – not deranged, cross-eyed and bald!

Finally, this one is the worst. And to be honest, possibly the least shocking ... which scares me just a little.

Prepare yourself for ...

Robert Pattinson’s signature.

Oh. Sweet. Jesus.

This teenage girl – who has never met Robert Pattinson, she looked up his signature on Google – is going to regret this big time eventually, for the following reasons.

One – when she grows up, she will realise that Twilight is shit.
Two – Robert Pattinson never has, and never will, love you.
Three – he is probably freaked out beyond belief by this.
Four – Twilight is shit.
Five – Robert Pattinson is not Edward. You do not know enough about Robert to possibly warrant a permanent signature on your wrist.
Six – ehh good luck with your future husband ... “Sweetheart, why do you have another man’s name tattooed on your arm?”
Seven – good luck with your children also ... “Well darling, when Mummy was younger, she made an irreversible symbol of commitment to a man she had never met before ... this is what ‘love’ is ...”

I could go on, really. I mean, just think about it ... imagine if my mother had let me get a Leonardo diCaprio tattoo all those years ago when Titanic was the most romantic film ever and Leo was just SUCH a babe?!

Or if it really is Robert Pattinson she’s obsessed with an not Edward, it’s still not a good idea ... I mean, the majority of actually married couples don’t even make that kind of a gesture to one another, let alone people who have never even met.

I know tattoos should mean something to you, and obviously Judge Judy, the murdering barber, Brange’s kid, Britney at her worst, and R-Patz obviously all mean something very significant to these people ... but I still would have recommended some therapy before opting to get this done.

Particularly for the kiddie one ...


  1. slightly repulsed by that Maddox tattoo?! I would be FREAKED OUT if some randomer got my child's face tattooed on their arm!

  2. "If that’s not a sign that a serious celeb sprog kidnapping is about to go down, I dunno what is." - BRILLIANT!! Hilarious.

    All the points about the R-Patz tattoo are gas too, and so true. She's gonna regret that!!

    Love that you're goin anti-tech too!

    A x

  3. Those are horrifically awful tattoos. That Britney one in particular is just not a good photo, I agree, at least pick one where's she's looking well!!

  4. Yay for anti-tech!

    They are indeed horrifically awful. Almost makes a "I heart Mom" tattoo look good...

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