Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Here is a list...

... of people who should not be allowed to operate a vehicle. Complete with examples!

1 - The elderly.
I don't care if this falls under the ageist category, once you start keeping Werther's in your glove box, you need to re take your driving test. I was driving down the coast road in Clontarf the other day, and an elderly couple were driving towards me on the wrong side of the road. I am not joking - we swerved into the bus lane beside to avoid a head on collision. I also witnessed another auld granny do an illegal u turn facing the wrong way in a bus lane. There's multiple things wrong with that one. Not to mention that the majority of them drive at least 10km under the usually already too low speed limit. Why...? Only they know.

2 - People who do not understand the concept of 'the fast lane'.
The right hand lane on dual carriage ways and motorways is the over taking lane - otherwise known as the fast lane to most. I know there's a speed limit, but in all honesty anyone who drives in this lane doesn't stick to it. And on their own head be it, but you gotta move over to the middle lane if you're doing the limit - its just the unwritten rule. The worst case of this I have experienced thus far is a car doing 80km in the far right lane of the motorway - the motorway being a hundred, if you don't know. As Beyonce would say, to the left, to the left, please!

2a - People who hog the fast lane.
In a smiliar way, people who are in the middle lane and overtake a car - thus moving into the right lane - and then stay at roughly the same speed as the car they are over taking, or who only crawl past inch by inch. Lads come on now, just hit the pedal for a second or two and you'll be past them and can move back and allow those of us willing to speed to get on with it. The guards aren't going to pull you over for going a mile or two over the limit, sure they'd be speeding so fast themselves they wouldn't even notice you.

3 - People who cannot correctly use a two lane roundabout.
*Deep, calming breath...* Alright now people. It really is not that hard. If you are going all the way around, you go on the inside lane. If you're taking an exit before the last, you're on the outside. You do not go all the way around the roundabout in the outside lane. Why? Well, basic spatial awareness will show that you will crash into anyone on the inside lane who is also exiting. I was going around a large roundabout coming off the motorway, and was taking the third exit, the fourth being the one I was coming from. Two ice cream trucks (totally bizzare...) were coming from the exit before me in the outside lane, so I let them pass and then drove on. We both passed my first exit, then my second, which is where they should have left... then I went to the third exit, and they both feckin cut in front of me and went back around the roundabout! This is how people crash and die, come on now!

4 - Tractors.
Tractors were designed for fields. Cars for roads. At least drive in the goddam bus lane when you can, ye feckin potato munchers...

5 - Cyclists
Ah, cyclists... the bane of my existance. Now look, I have friends that cycle and mostly they're grand, but there are an awful lot of shite bag cyclists out there. I hate cyclists that insist on using the road when there is a perfectly good cycle track right beside them - a lot of money has been spent on creating these, use them, they were made for you. The road was made for me. And considering a lot of cyclists complain about not being treated like "proper road users", they seem to break a lot of red lights. I can't do that so you can just feckin sit there aswell, ya bollix. One-way streets also do not seem to apply to them, and I have seen plenty on their phones. Don't even start me on the ones that cycle two abreast! I certainly wouldn't roll up beside my mate and have a chat through the open windows while driving along!

I'm not going to sit here and pretend I'm a saint of a driver - the scratches on my mother's car door and a burst tyre would certainly tell you otherwise. But hey, we're all entitled to a rant, especially those of us who drive for a living and spend nine hours a day dealing with this crap.

And, I don't think even I could handle this bad boy.... you win at life if you can work out what lane to use.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Night night!

My body clock had only just readjusted, and then I went and stayed up til five in the morning on friday night, and half two last night, and then slept until eleven yesterday and this morning.


Basically, a week away will mess up your system, especially if your system is as annoying as mine and involved getting up at stupid o'clock to be in work by half seven, and going to bed while its broad daylight and the kids are still playing on the streets. Tough aul life.

The entire week I was away, I didn't go to be before 4am once - purely because I could do that. In fact, on the second last night I didn't go to bed until eleven o'clock the next morning, and then slept until dinner. To top it off, our flight home was at 7.30am and so we didn't go to bed at all.

This never ends well for anyone. Needless to say I crashed big time when I got home, slept for most of the afternoon, and then proceeded to lie wide awake all night long shooting counting sheep.

My alarm is set for 6am as usual, and I'm wide awake.

There's really no easy way to do it... you just have to force your body back into its normal sleeping pattern. And if that means I have to take a leaf out of Homer Simpson's book, then so be it.

Any tips for falling asleep...? And please don't recommend hot chocolate - I've had two already..

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

We're all going on a ... sunny holiday!

Laydees... I am off to sunny sunny Spain tomorrow morning! I'll be back in a week at a ridiculous hour of the morning so I'll probably be wide awake and I'll do a thorough catch up on all your blogs :-)


Sunday, July 3, 2011

Bridesmaids or and entire fleet of bridezillas??

I am permanently scarred for life. I saw a large, unnattractive sweaty woman both vomit and deal with diahorrea at the same time, another soiled her own wedding dress, and another one rolled around on the grass covered in chocolate cake. And these are the polite aspects of the movie Bridesmaids.

Kristen Wiig plays Annie, a thirty something woman who has managed to convice herself that she's totally OK with the friends-with-benefits situation she's gotten herself into with Ted (John Hamm); despite the fact that Ted wears the definition of the word 'friend' very thin and evokes more of the 'total dickhead' personna. Add to that her personal space invading Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum flatmates, and the fact that Annie hates her job, and you have one miserable lady.

The icing on the cake though comes when Annie's best friend Lillian (Maya Rudolph) decides to get engaged. Well, that's a slap in the face. It gets better though - Lillian's brand new other best friend is the stunningly beautiful and exquisitely elegant Helen (played by Rose Byrne - Briseis from Troy, bet you'd never have spotted that one if I hadn't told you). If Annie had a pair of balls, this would surely be the kick in them.

Barely five minutes into the film is the scene where everyone toasts the newly engaged couple, and this is what sets the pace for the rest of the film ... and you begin to wonder exactly what you've gotten yourself in for. Annie and Helen engage in what is easily the most cringey scene in a movie I've ever wittnessed. Honestly - I was actually hiding behind my hands at this total and utter travesty, the sheer humiliation of both parties was almost too much for me to handle. If you lap up this kind of stuff though, this might just be the best thing you've ever seen.

Untill, that is, the dress fitting scene.

Oh. Dear. Lord.

No really - OHDEARLORD.

Annie tries to outdo Helen by bringing the bridal party to a great little Brazillian resteraunt, but once the gang get to the dress shop afterwards you very slowly start to realise that they are all (except Helen, who - rather wisely, upon reflection - snubbed the food) suffering from food poisoning. Whatever it is they've eaten, their bodies want rid of it...

I don't feel its necessary to explain that last sentence.

The sheer volume of absolute revulsion over what is happening is completely unapologetic, and culminating in a scene so horrifying that you will either be legging it from the cinema crying because you will now break out into a sweat everytime you walk past a bridal shop for the rest of your life, or falling out of your seat crying tears of blissful laughter. Either way, its a scene that sticks in your mind.

This is the peak of the movie. As a primarily female audience (although there were a fair few males in my screen), we're really not used to this level of disgustingness (its a word..) This is the female version of the likes of Superbad; who said girls don't get toilet humour??

The beauty of this film is actually in the revulsion; the female rivalry thing has been done to death, lets be honest, but most of it has been pandering to silly stereotypes about girls cat fighting over what shoes to wear. Bridesmaids takes on a whole new level because the cast are more than willing to just embrace the gross out bits, and aren't afraid to do things that make them look highly unattractive - lets be honest, sweaty diarohhea is no one's friend.

Watch out for Irish boy Chris O'Dowd, who's portrayal of Nathan Rhodes the cop is really well done. The knight in shining armour scene at the end is cliched, but other than that, his attraction with Annie is believable. Another star is Melissa McCarthy - you might also know her as Sookie from the Gilmore Girls (which I am sad to say, I can now never watch again in quite the same way...) She plays Megan, Lillian's fiance's large, loud, and brash sister. Most of the more spectacular one liners come from her, and she doesn't shy away or tone down her vulgarity at all - she really couldn't be less attractive throughout this film, and more power to her as a great actress for that, as she hit the nail spot on the head.

Director Paul Feig (Mr Pool from Sabrina, would you believe?!) has a lot to be proud of, and while I am still trying to banish certain scenes from my memory forever so I can once again sleep peacefully - or not shudder violently at the thought of Brazillian food - Bridesmaids is a piece of comedic genious, and if you're OK with a little gross out humour, I definitely reccomend it. Just don't go on a full stomach...